Teaching. The age old art of imparting knowledge on lesser minds. Something I’ve been doing my entire life. I say entire life, but what I really mean is the last two years. Indeed, being a P.E. teacher in Porthmadog has taught me that knowledge is a privilege and should be shared, rather ironically. (There’s a joke in that somewhere. Hmmm…)
I was now back in Porthmadog, and was pleased to see my parents sharing my funny bone by moving to a new house in my absence.
The joke? They didn’t tell me where it was! After traipsing around the town looking for them, I eventually stumbled upon a quaint abode close to the very educational establishment in which my own mind was forged. I was home. I played some numbers. I was definately home.
My parents were away, and I hardly had time to drop my bags off before I headed to my first comedy class. Being a comedy class teacher is a huge responsibility. I say huge, but it was already proving to be a huge drain on my mind. Still, I had two weeks as a professional stand-up comedian under my belt, so I knew it was time to step up and give back to the business. In other words, I had to MDFU!
The drive to Porthmadog Community Centre was great. I had some crisps with salt and vinegar on them. Some of them were brown because they had been cooked for too long.
According to a traditional story, the original potato chip recipe was created in Saratoga Springs, New York on August 24, 1853. Agitated by a patron’s repeatedly sending his fried potatoes back complaining that they were too thick and soggy, resort hotel chef, George Crum decided to slice the potatoes even thinner. Contrary to Crum’s expectation, the patron (sometimes identified as Cornelius Vanderbilt) loved the new chips and they soon became a regular item on the lodge’s menu under the name “Saratoga Chips”.
However, a recipe for fried potato “shavings” had been printed in the US in 1832, in a book explicitly derived from an even earlier English collection. Claims that the product originated in Saratoga NY in 1853 may be looked at with appropriate scepticism…
In the 20th century, potato chips spread beyond chef-cooked restaurant fare and began to be mass produced for home consumption. The Dayton, Ohio-based Mike-sell’s Potato Chip Company, founded in 1910, calls itself the “oldest potato chip company in the United States”. While New England-based Tri-Sum Potato Chips, originally founded in 1908 as the Leominster Potato Chip Company, in Leominster, Massachusetts claim to be America’s first potato chip. Chips sold in markets were usually sold in tins or scooped out of storefront glass bins and delivered by horse and wagon. The early potato chip bag was wax paper with the ends ironed or stapled together. At first, potato chips were packaged in barrels or tins, which left chips at the bottom stale and crumbled.
Laura Scudder, an entrepreneur in Monterey Park, California started having her workers take home sheets of wax paper to iron into the form of bags, which were filled with chips at her factory the next day. This pioneering method reduced crumbling and kept the chips fresh and crisp longer. This innovation, along with the invention of cellophane, allowed potato chips to become a mass market product and made Laura Scudder a household name. Today, chips are packaged in plastic bags, with nitrogen gas blown in prior to sealing to lengthen shelf life, and provide protection against crushing.
Hmm, I thought, as I put some crips in my mouth and then chewed them and then swallowed said crisps much to the approval of my digestive system.
On the whole, I’ve always had a good relationship with my bowels. Indeed, I’ve never been caught short at an inopportune chicken time and each dispatch was crisp – just like the crisps I was eating. I can smell another joke coming…
I arrived at the community centre to be greeted by three men and a woman. No, this was not the sequel to the 1991 classic Three Men And A Little Lady I’ve just quickly Google in order to seem more knowledgeable. This was my class.
Dougy was an affable chap, and was very quick at making jokes to make everyone feel comfortable (“How can you teach when you’re not even funny?”). He had hair on his head and he breathed. Saeed was originally from the nation they call Pakistan, which has a population of 170 million people and is a federal parliamentary republic. The Lovely Helen was a slender, cute girl who definitely has potential, and Bob was black.
It was more of a chat than a formal class, really. The first thing I did was take off my blazer so they could see my polo shirt and jeans, and get to grips with the idea that I wasn’t just a comedian, but a normal down-the-pub kind of guy. Well, everyone likes a pint… Cheers!
Next it was time to tell them the basics, and I saw the studious The Lovely Helen taking notes in her notebook with a pen that she had perhaps bought from a shop which sells pens:
1. Being a stand-up comedian is PRIVILEGE
You cannot go to a comedy gig with a bad attitude. I absolutely hate it when new comics have the audacity to have a personality that differs from my own. Original ideas will not be tolerated, and only even acknowledged when they fail.
2. Wrists ‘n’ Sleeves
Any comedian worth his salt (mmmm, salt…) knows that it’s important to project your wrists and sleeves during a performance. Even if it’s going badly, if you have the confidence to show your wrists and sleeves you will always get the audience onside. The Lovely Helen proved to be an expert at this.
3. Know the gigg
Whenever you go to a gigg, be sure to arrive in good time. This allows you to check out the structure of the building itself, in order to work out how best to approach the performance. What kind of door is it? How do the toilets flush? Is there a proper fire safety procedure? All of these details are important as people will want to know about them (especially if you’re keeping a diary).
4. Be a good MC Hammer
There is a multidinous plethororocial influxerating amount of poor MC Hammer tributes on the circuit, and it really bloody boils my blood. MC Hammers should do three things; introduce the acts, go over the rules, flirt with women like a weird creepy uncle.
5. Never go under your time.
If you are doing a ten minute ‘open slot’, make sure you give them ten minutes exactly. There’s nothing worse than walking off stage after 9 minutes 47 when you could have done another joke (“What is ironic about when I ate crisps in the car? My bowel movement was crisp!”)
With that, I ended the class. We stayed around for a chat and a drink (orange juice for me) and I drove The Lovely Helen home. Ah, women…
