John Owen Jones

On my way into Machynlleth I thought about how the name sounds like someone who Godzilla would fight in the 60s. I laughed when I thought about that, and swerved and nearly hit a bin!

Unfortunately, I was still laughing hard about this funny joke when I checked into the motel, and I think the receptionist was a bit annoyed about it. I tried explaining to her but could only get out the word “Godzilla!” with tears in my eyes. Within minutes the entire motel had been evacuated and I found myself alone.

Machynlleth became a ghost town, as its population of 2,147 quickly barricaded themselves in their homes. I walked through the streets and found a Starbucks – open – Starbucks will never let me down.

I ordered a Mechacino and sat down with my phone. I accessed the wifi and began to stream the latest episode of Mad Men. I’d never seen it before but I’m glad there are shows out there dealing with mental illness. Maybe we are all Mad Men?

The notes I’d made in my travel diary told me I had 16 days left to visit eight places in Wales. I reckon I could do it in five. However, I wasn’t quite ready to go back home. Sure, I missed the comforts of home such as 24-hour bingo and looking at funny cats, but I still felt like I had things to figure out about myself first before I went home. Mainly – when should I go home?

I finished my coffee and looked out into the streets. The people of Machynlleth were no longer afraid of a giant dinosaur smashing up their town, and were going back to their lives.

No fictional giant dinosaur will make me go back to my life.

Except Denver. Good friend among other things.

After the fancy dress party fiasco I decided to put it behind me as quickly as possible. No point crying over spilled milk – especially milk dressed as a famous person! So I got in my car, had a couple of ham sandwiches and headed out across the country to Aberystwyth.

The first thing I needed to do was learn how to pronounce the name without sounding like a fool. My subsequent three-hour journey mainly consisted of me saying “Aberystwyth” to myself over and over again like some kind of rubbish Tourette’s sufferer!

When I finally got to Abetyswyth I found yet another market town. Why does everybody in Wales want to get rid of things??? Anyway, I parked up and took a look at the tourist information centre, which was just a blind man with a dog, and before long I was on my way to the National Library of Wales.

I’m not a big reader (12 stone sopping wet hahahajoke!) but I do like to be in libraries. The eerie quiet and disdain poured upon you whenever you speak really made me miss home! I stumbled into the National Screen and Sound Archive of Wales but all they had there was the best bit from Gavin and Stacey playing on loop!

Two minutes later I was back in the main book area of the library, trying to look up the local history of the area. However, I got lost and ended up in the self-help section reading about casino tips and tricks.

I decided not to stay the night in Aberyswyth – the seaside Hull. My decision was primarily based on the fact that I was starting to run out of money, and couldn’t really afford a place to stay. I drove along the coast and parked up on a hillside and slept. When I woke up, a crowd of people had gathered around me thinking I was dead.

Bye!

One of the ‘biggies’ on my road trip across Wales was my stop at Llanidloes. Basically, I’d heard from my friend Gavin that Llanidloes have these things called ‘Fancy Dress Parties’, and they sound a right laugh.
Basically, at these parties people come but dressed up as someone else. Not just anyone – like Mad Alan from next door – but a famous person. Except for women – they usually only come as cats or devils.

Anyway, I made the long drive from Abergavenny to Llanidloes very early so that I could pick up a costume and be wearing it as soon as I arrived. Turns out there aren’t so many fancy dress costume shops on the major Welsh roads.

At about 5pm I pulled my car onto the hard shoulder. This was a real emergency and I needed to consider my next move. Before I knew it, inspiration hit me and a police car appeared in my rear view mirror. I should go as a the police! The driver slowed down, which I think was too give me enough space to get out, and I drove away, giving him the thumbs up out of the window. I was on my way to Llanidloes!

I rolled into Llanidoes at 7pm with my hair fashioned into a stylish mullet and a drab personality, just like Sting. I got out of the car, a rock star going to a real life fancy dress party, so far away from my days in the bingo games chat rooms at home, and shouted: “EVERY STEP YOU TAKE, EVERY MOVE YOU MAK—”

Someone barged into me. He was obviously going to the fancy dress party dressed as a hobo. He approached me and started shouting something nonsensical, probably Welsh. I backed away from my car and thought “What would Sting do?”
However, I didn’t have time to make another smug remark about how The X-Factor is killing music so I just ran.

Then I heard police sirens. I stopped and turned around. The police officer was stood at my car and talking to the man dressed as a hobo. Before long he was hauling him into the back of his car, probably to the Fancy Dress Party. I still didn’t want to go.

I waited five minutes and then got back to my car. Then I got the hell out of Llanidloes.

I spent most of the drive to Abergavenny from Builth eating sandwiches and staring up at the sky wondering if we are truly alone.

Suddenly I saw a bright light and swerved off the road. I remember the clock was at 5.35 just before I saw the light. When I woke up it was 5.36, but it felt like 12 hours had passed. Even more strange was that it was now evening whereas before it was becoming light. I didn’t dwell on the incident though, as I knew I was heading to Llandloes for my first ever Fancy Dress party.

As a got back on the road I switched on the radio. They were playing rock classics like ‘Do You Wanna Be In My Gang?’ by the Beatles and I rocked out for a little bit. I hadn’t heard that song since I was a little kid, and now here I was 20 years later embarking on this huge undertaking of self-discovery.

What have I learned about myself, now I’ve reached the halfway point of my journey? Well, I know that I like ham sandwiches a lot, and that I much prefer Starbucks to Costa.

Similarly, I’ve found out that Legally Blonde 2 is much better than the first one, mainly because it has more of a political slant. I have also discovered that I don’t really need my parents for anything anymore, only to give me money to finance my journey of self-discovery. I think when I go back to school next month I’m going to be a very different John Owen Jones.

Well, seeing as I’m heading to Fancy Dress Party Central I need a costume. I wonder where I can get one from at this time, and in a place so remote. Maybe if I send a message in a bottle…

It seems like a while ago that I visited Builth Wells. In fact, it was only six days. But that’s what life travelling around Wales does to you – messes with your perception of time and reality.

My internet connection has been a bit fragile this week, so I’ve barely been able to get online. The last thing I did do was look up Builth Wells online on Wikipedia. I discovered that the town has the distinction of having a rare post box. It’s rare because it bears the cipher of King Edward VIII, who was abducted from the throne in 1936 for loving Marge Simpson.
It must be very hard to abduct a king, and it makes you wonder why the government doesn’t officially acknowledge the existence of aliens. Still, it could’ve been an abduction by humans, but where the Gavin Henson they got a spaceship from I don’t know!

No-one has ever abducted me. Auntie Frieda once took me to Tesco for 13 hours but she wasn’t well, I’m not sure if that counts. I ended up being pushed into a pile of discount cling-film by police, but it’s OK because they were just helping!

If anyone did abduct me it would probably be doing something like playing bingo or teaching Year 8 about Hitler again (I’m a PE teacher – why do they ask?!).

My time in Builth was fine other than that. Some lovely monuments and a really great Starbucks. If I was to rate Builth against, say, Lampeter I’d say that its leather seats are much more comfortable and that the staff are very friendly.

Next on my trip is Abergavenny – a town that cannot help but make me smile whenever I say it.

Abergavenny :)

I finally rolled into Llangollen at 7pm after a hard day’s driving. The first thing I noticed was that it was situated on the River Dee and on the edge of the Berwyn mountains. It has a population of 3,142.

Make that 3,412 + 1 (= 3,413).

Auntie Penny’s house was still a fair way across town, so I decided to pull up into a Somerfield car park and contemplate my next move. I hadn’t shaved for a day, and sleep was becoming a distant relative I only saw once a night for approximately eight hours depending on my plans the next day. It’s tough on the road.

I got out of my car and breathed in the Denbighshire air. Before long I’d made it to the Prince of Wales pub, but he wasn’t in. Locals said he never is. I ordered a coke and sat back with my digital movie player. I watched Burning Down The House – will those kids ever give Steve Martin a break?!

Next I walked over to the jukebox and looked for some swinging jazz. I wanted to recreate the famous Jazz Age of 1920s Wales, as chronicled in the famous Welsh novel The Great Gareth. Unfortunately, nobody wanted to dance.

I typed in the next leg of my random, spontaneous, independent trip into my dad’s sat nav, and before long I was heading out to Auntie Penny’s. She greeted me with a hug and a kiss that smelled like Silk Cut in a wet bin. Cheese on toast for dinner. I really was roughing it.

That night I lay in the guest room bed and thought about the cosy world I had left behind. No more online bingo for me, no more eating whatever I want when my parents leave the house, no more looking at cats on the internet.

I had arrived and yet, as soon as my head hit the pillow, I could hear Rhayader – home of the world’s biggest globe – calling my name.

Well, well, well, just when I thought technology couldn’t astound me anymore, I’ve only gone and found out about bloody Twitter! It’s amazing! I get to catch up on all the latest goss from Stephen Fry and Lee Ryan and even a couple of comedians I’ve seen out and about. Mad, innit?

It’s quite a new thing Twitter but I would describe it as like computers but on a phone – it’s that good! Every day now I set up The Twitter and watch all manner of Tweets come in personally for me. I get news about films, TV, celebrities and Nick Frost from Shaaun Is Dead. It’s brilliant!

The good thing about my SDSL line is that it can keep up with all this news coming directly to my computer screen. Sometimes when mum and dad are out I dress up as Trevor McDonalds and read the news like on BBC News 24. What a life!

Apparently you can get phones that have the internet on them now. Sounds like the kids are spinning me another classic year 10 yarn (the ice caps are melting, are they, Luke? hmmm), but imagine a world where I could get all this news to my phone while travelling. I could get all the latest news about Simon Peggs while sat in a greasy spoon in Llangollen. Now that’s living!

If a phone like that existed, it’d probably be bigger than a house though. A house phone! Hahaha i’m just so full of it!

I’m pretty tired now, must stop drinking all that Virgin Cola in the mornings. Honestly, I don’t know what else to do with it – my bloomin’ mates keep buying it for me for birthdays and Christmases!

Still, it’s good to have mates. I’m a very lucky man.

Hyth loggyn, Frrrrrrrap! (Welsh)

I love this time of year! Bloody tennis everywhere. Federer, Nadal – I love them all. When I was a kid I used to pick up my racquet which I’d made from a crutch and an old shoe and go down to the Rhyl wasteland with Grandma Clywd and she’d pretend to throw balls towards me, and I’d pretend to hit them. Amazing, and I always won!

Now it’s Wimbledon once again and I’ve been listening to it on the radio like a trooper. Well, I’m not actually allowed a radio in my room and with good reason (fire) but I can basically stream it through my computer when I’m having a game of bingo or something. Not bad, eh?

Who are my tips for tennis glory this year? Well, I don’t think you can go far wrong with Roger Federer can you? Or, as I call him, The Swiss Cat! Also up there as you’d expect is Rafael Nadal – The Spanish Cat – who’s always ready to pounce with his baseline game. As for Andy Murray – I don’t know!

I don’t really like watching women’s tennis.

So school is wrapping up now, and all the kids are obviously very excited about their summer holidays. Still, I don’t think any of them are spending their holidays travelling around Wales and seeing the best she has to offer ;)
I’ve been invigilating some exams as well. It’s great, extra money and all! Also, I believe that teachers should always help pupils when they need it, if you know what I mean! Then again, French was never my strong point so who knows? Nein!
Time to go now – have a Geography exam to look after. If there are any questions about Wales the kids need help with, I’d be happy to answer them after my trip!

Alright! Oggy oggy oggy! Shamone you flippers! Haha!

Sorry, I’m just a little bit excited about my adventure next month. I’ve already started packing, believe it or not. I’ve got a new pair of ‘Hike’ boots to deal with some of the worst mountains in Wales – they’ve gone in the case. I also bought some hand cream.

I’ve already finished my mix tape (see below for the tunes), so I’m pretty much sorted. I’d like to take some sunglasses but I don’t think mum and dad are keen on that. They say the devil wears sunglasses! I don’t know about that.

People at work are trying their best to hide their disappointment at my impending departure trip by laughing and joking and saying “Never come back!” but I know that they will find the summer hard with me. Normally, I am the last one standing at their summer barbeques, even though I rarely drink. I’m also a dab hand at the SingStar computer on the Playstations.

The kids at school have shown great interest in my trip. I had a Year 10 theory class today and they just kept asking me questions about it. We didn’t get any bloody work done! One of the kids was even pointing his hand out like a gun and pointing it at me, as if to say “You are the man!” I felt like Richard Blackwood!

My first stop on the trip is Llangollen. It’s a fair old drive – maybe three hours or so – but the people are nice and friendly and they have some great service stations where I can eat my sandwiches and have a quick game of Solitaire. I might even see if I can bust a grave on one of those dancing machines the Japanese made. Hey, if I’m as good at that as I am at SingStar then I’ll never be a loser.

Enjoy your Wednesdays!