John Owen Jones

I’ve been waiting for that call for a long time now – I wonder when it’s coming. In the mean time I’ve been approaching lots of acting agencies. Some good advice I was once given was ‘The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror’ I think the point they were making here was if you look through a window, you’re looking at the world clearly. But if you look in a mirror everything’s upside down (that’s why ‘ecnalubma’ is written like that). So that’s why I’ve started applying to acting agencies – there’s no point looking at this world backwards and if I look forwards I can see the whole picture and see that acting can be similar to comedy, it requires similar skills. So this is me, John Owen Jones, looking through a window and ignoring all mirrors in order to embark on an acting career. Seriously.

So far it’s gone like this – I google some local agencies, fill in the online form and then they get in touch. Most of them have been in touch which is great, I’m thinking maybe acting is my calling. I didn’t apply for any of the big agencies yet though, I want room to grow in the industry – not point starting out on top, so I’ve been dealing a lot with their small business hr departments.

On the whole they’ve all been really friendly but I almost got put off when one lady said to me ‘take a long hard look in the mirror JOJ, do you seriously believe you have what it takes to make it in this industry?’. I’m not meant to be looking in mirrors! That’s against my new leaf! But then I thought you know what, I don’t even need to look in the mirror – with all the skills I have (or at least said I had on the form) the horse riding ice-skater role will surely be mine?

The Jokes of John Owen Jones vol. 2

The time has come for me to once more round up my collection of jokes and put them on the internet for everyone to look at. I am the nicest man in the comedy, so I don’t mind one iota if you steal these gaggs. This also goes for moving into my house, and taking all my money!

What did Typical Jeff say at the Royal Wedding? *snoooooooooooore*

How did Bob Marley attempt to cure his illness? With jabb-ing! (with Jam in)

What did Noddy Holder shout to passers by in the park while walking his dog? “IT’S HIIIIIIIIIIISS MESSSSSSSS!!!”

What is the Queen’s favourite band? Queen!

What did my friend Bongo Beliso say at his wife’s funeral? I miss her so much :(

What did the car say to the traffic light? Give me a flash (I love your bulbs)!

Where does Michelle Obama go shopping? WHEREVER SHE LIKES, MAAAN!

I went to an Israeli toilet but it was occupied because of war! :(

Imagine if aliens came but in a taxi!

“Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me?” “Who are you?”

What do you say when you see a soul singer? “Oh I wish James Brown was still here!”

How many outraged comics can you get for £15? 50 BILLION!!!!!

What does Superman say three times before bed? “WHY, KRYPTON. WHYYYY?!?!”

What’s black and black and thin? Two pens!

What car does the world’s fattest man drive? Wide Ice Cream Tank!!!!!

What did the shower say? “Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

What did the alien say on the internet? “Hey!”

What is the fastest hospital? Linford Christies :(

What did one chimney say to the other? “…”

Where did Saddam Hussein hide his WMDs? In Iraq!

What’s brown and sticky? 3rd degree burns :(

Who was the 36th President of the United States? Lyndon B. Johnson!

“My dog’s got no nose.” “How does he –” “Sorry my bus is here bye!”

What did the junkie say to the mobile network who upped his minutes? “I wanted mor-PHINE, man! Now I die.” :(

What is the fattest, greasiest star? Leo Sayers!!!!

Why is Lady Gaga good at cards? MASSIVE HANDS!

Why did Arsenio Hall make a big TV comeback? Alimony fees!

Doesn’t Wayne Rooney look like Shrek? Ahahahahahahahahhahaha *breathe* hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!

Why does Bill Oddie lie? Because Eric Sykes.

What is the most racist-sounding musical instrument? Bongo (don’t know why but it is!!!)

What did the last dinosaur die of? A very lonely cold :(

What did the football referee say? You’ll turn into a flimmin foul, you!

What goes up and down the stairs without moving? LIFE!

What do people shout when they win at bingo? “WHY WAS I BORN INTO THIS LIFE OF POVERTY!!!!”

Why did the girl with low self esteem go to the dentist? Because she too-flirty (tooth hurty)

Why was the astronaut sad? Because he got NASA mixed up with depression!

Why didn’t Donald Duck come to the party? Because he’s a duck. Get real.

Which is the worst episode of Mad men? Psycho delusions! :(

What were the first words Adam said to Eve? Not you, again!!!

What did Autumn say to Summer? You’ve got a Spring in your step (past).

What do you do if your clock blows up? Use a WHEN Diagram!

What is the best way to shut up your grandma? A hi-jacking!

Looking forward to the Fathers For Justice film. If all works out, I’ll see it every other weekend!

Who wears short shorts? ‘Sexy’ Anne Putee!

Why isn’t Bob Marley allowed in heaven? * ** **** ** * ** * ****. **! ***? ****!

What is the most sensitive part of Africa? The Lybia!

What happened? The bloody budget :(

What is the main difference between men and women? Sexism!

BullyingUK have launched an Android app! As soon as you open it it says “Get an iPhone, you fat tramp!”

What did the nice woman say in a text? “I can’t do this anymore!!!!”

What is the most Irish illness? Dublin Leg (R.I.P. Aunt Naimh)

Who has the worst St. Patrick’s Day hangover? The Real IRA!!!

What did Paddy say to Murphy on St Patrick’s Day? This heroin is mint!!!!

“What, madam?”

What did the man say on the first date? “I’M NOT READY FOR LOVE!! AAAARRGGGGHHHH!”

What did the conspiracy theorist say in his heart of hearts? I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY OWN TRUTH!!!!

Been playing Xbox football with my girlfriend. FIFA? No, she went of her own accord!

What did the Fashionable Liberal say on Twitter? Nothing because they were busy! PSYCHE!!!!!!

What is the biggest killer of old people at Christmas? Age!

What did the Bob Marley say to Idi Amin? “U-gan-da wrong way about dis leadership, mon!”

What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson this one time? “KNOCK NEXT TIME! You’ve seen NOTHING you talentless leech!”

What does the mentally-broken war veteran say whether he is eating or not? “NAM NAM NAM NAM!”

“What do you call a f—- AH I’VE BURNED ME ‘AND ON A STOOOOOOOOOOVEEE!!!!”

“You’ll be Nick Owen on the other side of your face, pal, if you’re not careful!”

“Ay you! I said ‘Park it’ no ‘Cark it’!”

“No wonder they’re called Def bloody Leppard, eh?!”

What did the blind man say to his internet girlfriend? JHqwep98498njaHSHI9023sa1uu3901

What do you call an internet forum moderator with a conscience? SelfRighteousTimmy v2.0!!!

The iPad 2 is white and not that different to the previous generation. I wonder who will buy one? AHA

Paddy and Doyle are planting potatoes in the field. “Good this, innit?” “Yeah. Nice day.”

What did the man wearing a trilby in the street say? “I have not made the most of this life.”

Yesterday I auditioned for BGT but they said I had to be bisexual, gay or transgender. WHO DO I WRITE TO?

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve gone blind!” “I’m not a doctor, I’m Paul McGrath – buy my book”

When does Michael Jackson go to bed? … Oh no :(

What did the open spot say at the party to girls? I MADE COMEDY!!!!

Who is the most possessive footballer-turned-farmer in France? Ken “Mon-Cow”.

Why was Arthur Lowe? Because Mr and Mrs Lowe got hhiiiiiiiIIIIIGH!!!

Where does Gary Numan live these days? IN CARS *keyboard solo*

What is the best country? The People’s Republic of China. AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT!

“Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog’s dead.” “Did he?” “… you’re a dick, mate. A dick.”

NEW SU POLLARD JOKE: Why doesn’t Su have an E? Who says she hasn’t??? 8-)

Why was Paul Shane stretched? Because Su Poll-ard! (“pulls hard”)

What did the guy who played the camp one do in 1997? **On 6 March 1996 Cadell died at the age of 45** RIP

“Who is Batman?” “I don’t know, but bat man over there is stealing my coffee, Annie May!!!”

What is dad’s favourite flavour crisp? Gin!

What is a Spanish joke you don’t get when you’re young, language issues notwithstanding? Juan for the dads!!!

Hey, everyone, what would it be like if that guy was called Bret ETON Ellis? Eh? One for the dads!!!!

What did the political bus say to the other political bus? “So much for The Big Society, eh?”

What did the man say in the 7th Level of Hell? “AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH *vomit* I’LL NEVER SEE MY GRANDCHILDREN AGAIN! *big cry*”

I don’t know why minidisc isn’t selling so well. The concept is sound.

What is the worst day? Kiss Your Dad Wednesday :( Ewww!!!

My new Mozart CD is so rubbish I sent it Bach.

Who is the most Libyan cartoon character? Gaddafi duck!

I am the best of legs, I am the worst of legs, what am I? STEROID LEG!!!!!

“Knock knock.” “Who is there?” “Idi Amin.” “… WHAT?!”

How do you get ahead in advertising? Hard work and a little bit of luck!

Why did Inspector Morse melt? LEWISSSSSSSS!!!!!

How do you get Pikachi off a bus? SPECIAL FIRE CANNON #43!!!

Where did the .com revolution happen? e-Gypt!!

Why did the Turkish man batter the wise? He can’t-stands-the-noble! (Constantinople)

Why does the guy with no interest in grammar always get it wrong? Because they are stoooopppppiiiidddd,,,

Why was the white, middle-class male comic single? I dunno, but his t-shirt has a great film reference on it!

“Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Doctor Who.” “Doctor Who, who?” “… … forget it … just forget it.”

“Knock knock.” “Who is there?” “Mubarak! I’m back, baby!” AHAHAHAHAHA!

What did Stevie Wonder call his amazing sewing service? SUPER-STITCH-ON (‘Superstition’).

I used to be in derisive but now I’m not so sore.

What did the dyslexic man say in a tired joke about dyslexia? Jks332KLFsarraJK SAKJaFSKbJFSuAPJS F!!

What did the Daily Mail say? Nothing surprising, so stop being offended and ignore it!

What did the adhesives expert and Stephen King fan who hates corporations do? He stuck ‘It’ to The Man!

Who lost last night and every night? The Green Day Backers!

My proctologist has got to the bottom of my problem (it was my bottom – that’s why I went to him specifically).

Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a steering wheel in my pants.” “Do you think you could be an autoeroticist?” “Yeah.”

” Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a steering wheel in my pants.” “Get out of my car, you freak.”

I want to play snooker with a woman. Form a cue, ladies…

I have been quiet on the gigg front recently, mainly because I have been blowing the roof off venues and subsequently dealing with broken laptop problems, as well as insurance claims from promoters. In fact, I have so many insurance claims from promoters now, I have enough quotes to fill my Edinburgh posters:

“Blew off the roof!” – Mohammed, Karachi Comedy
“Destroyed all of our furniture!” – Horatio, Boy Am I Wet Comedy
“He needlessly smashed a window during his “Prince/Bank” routine…” – Dom DeLouise, Canonball Comedy

My act has been at the centre of my musings as of late. I say musings, but really they are just ‘thoughts’ the same as everybody elses, except I have a tendency to mistake them as being worthy of your time. When I first started doing comedy, I always suspected my forthcoming quandries would largely revolve around myself and nobody else. So far, they have – I have developed such a respectful following that my fans leave me alone. However, I have seen something recently which has changed my mind…

A double act! Of course! How has this escaped that massive space between my ears for so long?

Being in a double act with a girl, just as an example, would greatly increase my hug rate! We could not only talk on-stage about the difference between men and women, but literally show it to folks on stage. In fact, the first joke I wrote down during a recent double act writing session alone was ‘POINT AT EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY GET IT’. Oh wait, I need to make a phone call:

“Hello, is that the jewellery shop? Well I don’t need you, I have enough GOLD! Bye!”

Who could I ask to be my double act partner? The Lovely Helen? Perhaps, but she told me at the Porthmadog Ho Down last week that she now lives in New Zealand and they have no phones or internet there. Hey New Zealand: KEEP UP WITH TECHNOLOGY!

So I have placed an ad on Teletext to help get a partner. Here it is…

Now the search, as they say (sometimes) – depending on the situation – [as an actress said to a bishop], is on…

I was perturbed.

I say perturbed, and not just because the online thesaurus suggested it. As it happens, however, I was also affronted, annoyed, antagonized, bitter, chafed, choleric, convulsed, cross, displeased, enraged, exacerbated, exasperated, ferocious, fierce, fiery, fuming, furious, galled, hateful, heated, hot, huffy, ill-tempered, impassioned, incensed, indignant, inflamed, infuriated, irascible, irate, ireful, irritable, irritated, maddened, nettled, offended, outraged, piqued, provoked, raging, resentful, riled, sore, splenetic, storming, sulky, sullen, tumultous/tumultuous, turbulent, uptight, vexed and wrathful.

This was not the frame of mind I needed to be in when gigging at Cleveleys Over-50s Fun Fair…

The promoter, a man named Fat Alan who I’d emailed 300 times in a week to get the gigg, asked me to bring a ‘car load’ of comics to pad out the bill. Of course, my backward, half-sexist, oblivious mind immediately thought of The Lovely Helen, who I hadn’t seen since The Incident at her house in December. For those not in the know, we basically had somewhat of a falling out because she had decided that doing what she wants to do is more important than comedy. Pah! She’ll never get to the level of John Owen Jones with that attitude!

To me, comedy is a full-time job, especially when you don’t have a proper full-time job, and it really boils my beard when people simply don’t take it seriously, especially someone with the body talent of The Lovely Helen. Indeed, it is thoughts like these that have me tossing and turning in my bedding linen. Anyway, my elevated moral standing allowed me to look past her shortcomings and offer her another gigg via the medium da kidz call ‘text’ (haha I iz goin down wid da kidz). When she didn’t reply, I knew why: she was too embarrassed about her behaviour. “Not to worry,” I said to myself, as I got into the car and decided to right this wrong myself.

It took two hours for me to find her – my quickest time yet! She was coming out of the gym with some friends when I approached her from behind and said: “Don’t worry!” as I put my arms around her and gave her a trademark John Owen Jones hug. I held it for a good two minutes, until I could feel Helen tremble with happiness because I had forgiven her. Luckily, I embraced her just as her friends were leaving as otherwise they’d have been a tad embarrassed!

I love hugs. I ruddy bloody love them.

The Lovely Helen agreed to gigg with me that night under the proviso that the other two spots were taken by her big brother – a bodybuilder – and his bouncer friend Stan. I agreed and we had a gigg!

I rushed home and got the car ready. I quickly burned off a CD of classic rock ballads we could all sing along too, and made some sandwiches for everybody. I was slightly worried that The Lovely Helen’s brother and Stan had never gigged before, or even written material, but stand-up comedy is all about taking chances. And , judging by the first words Stan said when I picked him up a couple of hours later – “Stop hugging women, you creep” – I knew he was going to be a right laugh!

The car journey was straightforward, even if The Lovely Helen was a little bit quiet. She was so quiet, in fact, that I kept touching her knee to make sure she was still conscious! Considerately, I did it whenever Stan and her brother weren’t looking, so they wouldn’t worry about her. Each time she was alive and well, and actually said “I wish I was somewhere else”. Meaning a date with me? Who knows…

When we got to Cleveleys Over-50s Fun Fair, we were immediately greeted by Fat Alan as he was the only person there. It was 7.30pm (8.30pm start) but, according to Alan, the place was full to the brim the previous week. We got the running order – The Lovely Helen opening, followed by her brother Matt and Stan, then… you guessed it, John Owen Jones headlining. I had finally made it to the top of the bill!

Eventually the punters did arrive. I watched with delight as they filed through the entrance to the tent. Like a good comedian, I immediately ambushed them as they came in and demanded they sit at the front. It meant a few more precarious steps for some of them, but I assured them we would all have a better time for it – especially the comedians.

Showtime! Fat Alan was on MCing duties and started making jokes about his name. What a funny name Alan is! He also made jokes about how he looks which was a right laugh and quite original. When I heard these jokes I went and had a good look in the mirror…

The Lovely Helen came on and was a right cheeky swine! She basically told the entire audience all about how I keep ’stalking her’! Haha. It was definitely in good humour because after her set I could see her with Matt and Stan pointing and laughing at me. I waved and said “Ay, you’re a cheeky one, you!” Banter between comedians is great.

Matt and Stan did a fine job in the middle. The theme of ‘ribbing’ (this is when you have a go at someone’s ribs) continued as they both did jokes about my taste in music and ’smelly car’. Haha! I apprehended Stan and explained about my love of sleeping in cold meats in the boot of the car and he just laughed. More banter = brilliant.

For my headline slot I decided to do some ‘pull back and reveals’. For those not in the comedy game, a pull back and reveal is when you continually hide behind objects on stage, or behind your hands, and then ‘reveal’ yourself and say “No thanks, Dad!”. For 23 minutes. It was probably my most traditional set yet, and the audience of over-50s lapped it up. They were literally holding their chests with laughter every time I surprised them with a reveal.

Job done. A 250-mile round trip for no money except the currency of laughter. The car journey back was great, with me singing along to rock-cheese classics while Stan, Matt and The Lovely Helen hilariously pretended to be asleep. Friends for life!

RIP Stuart Cable.

Standing at the bus stop with my shopping in my hands
And I’m overhearing elder ladies
As the rumours start to fly
You can hear them in the school yard
In the scrap yard
In the chip shop
In the phone box
In the pool hall
At the shoe store
Every corner turn around
It started with a school girl
Who was running
Running home to her Mam and Dad
Told them she was playing, in the change room of the local foorball side
They said tell us again, she told them again, tell us the truth, they find it hard to believe
‘Cause he taught our I was steve, he even trained me, taught our John who’s a father of three

Only takes one tree, to make 1000 matches
Only takes one match, to burn A thousand trees
A thousand trees

You see it in the classroom
In the swimming pool
Where the match stick men are made
At the scout’s hall
At the football
Where the wise we trust are paid
They all honour his name
He did a lot for the game
Got his name knocked up above the sports ground gates
But they’re ripping them down, stamping the ground
Picture gathers dust behind the bar in the lounge

Only takes one tree, to make a thousand matches
Only takes one match, to burn a thousand trees
A thousand trees

Wake up, and smell the rain
Shake up, he’s back to stay
He hasn’t been on a holiday
His growing seeds don’t believe
Why he’s been away
From the school yard
Changing room
Playing field
Bathroom
Phone box
Office blocks
Corners turn around
They keep doubting the flame, tossing the blame
Got his name knocked up above the sports ground gates
And they’re ripping them down, stamping the ground
Picture gathers dust in the bar

Only takes one tree, to make a thousand matches
Only takes one match, to burn A thousand trees
A thousand trees
A thousand trees
A thousand trees

My back is sweating! It’s not easy living in the basement when it’s summer, but luckily I know how to make it nice and cool. Basically, I’ve bought a load of oscillating fans and sellotaped them to the ceiling. When I switch it on, I’m nice and breezy, especially at night as I leave them above my bed. Good tip: Take off the fan guards – they’re only for if you have children!

I’m trying my hardest to get a sun tan, and mum and dad know this, as they’ve been locking me in the back of the car during days out so I can catch as many rays as I can. So far, it’s making me a bit dizzy and I’ve been sick twice, but I suppose it happens to everyone! Anyway, mum and dad said that Grandad is fine, and that’s all that matters.

Nearly the end of term now, and I really don’t know what to do with my summer. My mates have suggested I go to a festival on my own, as they’re all going to Glastonbury, but I’m not so sure. I didn’t like Alton Towers, so I don’t know how I’d cope in a massive theme park with music playing all the time.

So what to do then? I’ll probably make a small fortune from playing bingo, then build my own school and not let any of the teachers at my school come and teach at it and it’ll serve them right for not listening to my ideas!
Only joking.

So at school the staff still aren’t listening to my ideas. I don’t understand why, I believe I have a lot to give. I mean, the pupils like me so much so even refer to me by my first name without me even asking!
Maybe they know about my fans, and know that I’m a COOL guy ;-))

This is Rhod Gilbert, I think he’s very funny! Captures the essence of being a Welsh comedian I think!

Bon appetit!

Great find!