I had at least 18 hours (not including sleep – I didn’t want to sleep after my t-shirt dream…) to kill so i decided to make the most of my digital movie player. Here are some reviews:

Rita, Sue and Bob Too: Excellent friendship film! Really liked how they all got on so well!

Eyes Wide Shut: Not for me!

The Mighty Duck: Best ice hockey film I’ve ever seen. FACT!

An Unconvincing True: Bit boring science documentary. FACTS!

Momento: Can’t remember hahahah just a laugh! It was good but I think my player might be skipping bits!
A really good day and night in overall. Oh, and for those keeping count: ten sandwiches. I think I have about 40 left. I’ll be fine with that.

On Saturday I headed over to Newcastle Emlyn which is a country rich in Norman’s castles. Of course, I drove around and around looking for Norman… hahaha I’m not that stupid! I went up to the ruins and licked the stone, tasting hundreds of years of history. Yum.

I next needed to find somewhere to stay, and Norman’s was out of the question so I found a B & B close to the town centre. The town centre is full of lots of small businesses and I found it difficult to get a true small-town vibe without a welcoming Starbucks or Costa nearby. In the end, I had to settle for a ‘Welsh milkshake’ (uses cheese-milk) while humming the McDonalds theme tune.

My bed for the night was sorted soon after, and it was great to find a place where they spoke Welsh. I love the Welsh language and I’m really proud of it. However, they didn’t bother speaking it in the motel – it sounds daft – and before long I’d unpacked my bag and was lay out on the bed.

Not a lot of people know this but Newcastle Emlyn is actually named after the English city of Newcastle and the former Question of Sport team captain Emlyn Hughes. I’m a big fan of culture, so it’s great to see two great English institutions celebrated here. Surrounded by Norman’s castles, this leg of my journey had taken on a really English feel…

The weather meant that I didn’t have much chance to check out some of the finer points of the area, and it was getting too dark to take any pictures, so I found and a bed and a breakfast hotel and checked in.
When I finally got up to my room I was bloody knackered! I’d only had a few hours sleep since my three-pint binge and I felt like my head was swimming in a ditch… I decided the best cures for this would be a lovely viewing of A Cinderella Story.

Before I knew it, I’d bloody passed out and I was having a dream. Basically, me and a friend were travelling across South America on motorbikes. I don’t know what we were looking for, but every now and then we’d stop and help out the local people. You know what? It felt lovely, like Lovejoy but with help instead of antiques.

Anyway, I really, really liked helping people (I wanted to be a doctor as a child but mother said that was the devil’s job) and eventually we were made dictators of this village. Then they took us to a secret warehouse where there were stored millions and millions of t-shirts all in my image:

I woke up in a cold sweat and calmed my nerves with a game on the online casino. I had a couple of sandwiches and eventually slept.
Perhaps I should keep a dream diary in future and try and keep track of what’s going on when I sleep! Normally I just dream about the kids at school – not in that way haha!!!

I spoke to Gwyneth on reception and knew that somewhere along the line there’d be visions, small kettles, everything. Somewhere along the line the room key would be handed to me. Thirty seconds later, it was.

Sitting on the edge of my bed I heard the sounds of the night which had come to represent Rhayader and the people. Kelly Jones’ voice bopped through the air of the local Wetherspoons, and I picked myself up and wearily headed out for what I knew would be a heavy night.

I was back in my hotel room two hours after leaving. I fumbled around for the bag of cotton wool I keep next to my bed at home only I wasn’t home, I was far away in a cheap hotel I’d hardly known, unsure as I stumbled past the small kettle to the en-suite bathroom, old wood creaks and old man snore, and after about 15 bloody weird seconds I figured out what had happened to me: I’d had another nose bleed after three pints.

Four ham sandwiches later, I sat up and looked to make sense of my crazy, crazy trip. I grasped the emergency sellotape roll I keep in my shoes and taped my phone to any stationery I could find so I wouldn’t run out of places to write should my battery die. I had something to say and I only found it when I logged into Twitter:

I saw that the best mind of my generation, David Mitchell, had retweeted me. Starving, hysterial, naked David Mitchell, burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night (Twitter).

So in Wales when the sun goes down and I sit in a broken-down Rhayader hotel room, when I see that wasteland and dream its immensity, don’t you know that God is David Mitchell?

Make that 3,412 + 1 (= 3,413).

Auntie Penny’s house was still a fair way across town, so I decided to pull up into a Somerfield car park and contemplate my next move. I hadn’t shaved for a day, and sleep was becoming a distant relative I only saw once a night for approximately eight hours depending on my plans the next day. It’s tough on the road.

I got out of my car and breathed in the Denbighshire air. Before long I’d made it to the Prince of Wales pub, but he wasn’t in. Locals said he never is. I ordered a coke and sat back with my digital movie player. I watched Burning Down The House – will those kids ever give Steve Martin a break?!

Next I walked over to the jukebox and looked for some swinging jazz. I wanted to recreate the famous Jazz Age of 1920s Wales, as chronicled in the famous Welsh novel The Great Gareth. Unfortunately, nobody wanted to dance.

I typed in the next leg of my random, spontaneous, independent trip into my dad’s sat nav, and before long I was heading out to Auntie Penny’s. She greeted me with a hug and a kiss that smelled like Silk Cut in a wet bin. Cheese on toast for dinner. I really was roughing it.

That night I lay in the guest room bed and thought about the cosy world I had left behind. No more online bingo for me, no more eating whatever I want when my parents leave the house, no more looking at cats on the internet.

I had arrived and yet, as soon as my head hit the pillow, I could hear Rhayader – home of the world’s biggest globe – calling my name.

Life on the road has been tough and eye-opening in the 68 minutes I’ve been travelling. Already I feel more world-weary, and I’m wondering where I’m going to sleep tonight even though I know Auntie Penny is putting me up when I reach Llangollen. Already I can feel the open road having an effect on my mind – I don’t even want this latte, I’m not even sure what it is! “Do you have a loyalty card, sir?” asked the girl in Cafe Nero. “I don’t know, little lady,” I replied. “I just don’t know.”

Things have changed since I left home an hour ago, I can feel it. I have a slight crick in my back and I’m definitely a little bit older. Amazing how travelling can change you. Just last night I was sat playing on the online casino in the basement, little did I believe that less than 24 hours later I’d be sat in a coffee shop 20 miles away.

John Owen Jones the P.E. teacher from Porthmadog is out on his own now in Porthmadog. Ready to head on to Llangollen with nothing but a bag full of clothes, a carton of cigarettes (present for Auntie Penny), my dad’s car, my savings, my portable video player, my mobile phone, my diary, 60 frozen sandwiches in a cool box, a credit card, everything I could ever need for a cushy trip and a dream.

It’s time to hit the road again, cowboy…

My bag is packed and I’m ready to go. I’m nervous and a bit scared to be honest. I’ve heard south-west Wales can be quite rowdy over the summer – lots of loud music and driving! Maybe they will accept John Owen Jones as an honorary south-wester? I hope so – we can watch movies on my portable movie player together.

It’ll be hard saying goodbye to mum and dad. They’ve gone away themselves until after I leave and didn’t say goodbye or even leave a note – I think they knew how hard it would be. I respect them for that.

The house has been eerily quiet this week, as has Porthmadog really. I went walking in the moonlight last on Monday and thought about all the great times I’ve had here over the years:

• That time Gaz bought a car in my name for a laugh
• When Mark collapsed and started shaking on that bus (wasn’t funny looking back)
• Andy stealing all my money (cheeky!!)
• Lee gambling my inheritance on the casino website
• When Dad hid the dog

I’ve been through so much here, but it’s time for me to find myself and find out more about the world with my trip around Wales. This blog will act as my travel diary as I embrace Cymru like its name and dragon embraces the front of many a tea towel.

Try to keep up, boyos!

It’s quite a new thing Twitter but I would describe it as like computers but on a phone – it’s that good! Every day now I set up The Twitter and watch all manner of Tweets come in personally for me. I get news about films, TV, celebrities and Nick Frost from Shaaun Is Dead. It’s brilliant!

The good thing about my SDSL line is that it can keep up with all this news coming directly to my computer screen. Sometimes when mum and dad are out I dress up as Trevor McDonalds and read the news like on BBC News 24. What a life!

Apparently you can get phones that have the internet on them now. Sounds like the kids are spinning me another classic year 10 yarn (the ice caps are melting, are they, Luke? hmmm), but imagine a world where I could get all this news to my phone while travelling. I could get all the latest news about Simon Peggs while sat in a greasy spoon in Llangollen. Now that’s living!

If a phone like that existed, it’d probably be bigger than a house though. A house phone! Hahaha i’m just so full of it!

I’m pretty tired now, must stop drinking all that Virgin Cola in the mornings. Honestly, I don’t know what else to do with it – my bloomin’ mates keep buying it for me for birthdays and Christmases!

Still, it’s good to have mates. I’m a very lucky man.

Hyth loggyn, Frrrrrrrap! (Welsh)

Now it’s Wimbledon once again and I’ve been listening to it on the radio like a trooper. Well, I’m not actually allowed a radio in my room and with good reason (fire) but I can basically stream it through my computer when I’m having a game of bingo or something. Not bad, eh?

Who are my tips for tennis glory this year? Well, I don’t think you can go far wrong with Roger Federer can you? Or, as I call him, The Swiss Cat! Also up there as you’d expect is Rafael Nadal – The Spanish Cat – who’s always ready to pounce with his baseline game. As for Andy Murray – I don’t know!

I don’t really like watching women’s tennis.

So school is wrapping up now, and all the kids are obviously very excited about their summer holidays. Still, I don’t think any of them are spending their holidays travelling around Wales and seeing the best she has to offer ;)
I’ve been invigilating some exams as well. It’s great, extra money and all! Also, I believe that teachers should always help pupils when they need it, if you know what I mean! Then again, French was never my strong point so who knows? Nein!
Time to go now – have a Geography exam to look after. If there are any questions about Wales the kids need help with, I’d be happy to answer them after my trip!

Anyway, I was in the pub watching the rugby on Saturday when a man came in selling these little electronic boxes. At first I thought they were the new Arctic Monkeys MySpace machine or something but then when I got a look I saw that it was playing a film! A film! In your bloody hands! And guess what film it was? Only The Bourne Ultimatum! A perfect travel film, and a perfect bargain at £200. It’s now bought and on my desk. Even as I’m typing this in the staff room I’m watching a little bit of Legally Blonde 2 with the sound off.

I’ve also signed up to a movie download service, which means I can pick up films like The Bourne Identity through my SDSL connection and transfer them over to my little box of magic.

The good thing is I don’t need to download any for the moment as the player came with some great free movies like Alien Siege starring Carl Weathers and Dangerous Passion starring Carl Weathers as Kyle.

I think these films will definitely keep me occupied until I set sail in my dad’s car around Wales!

Sorry, I’m just a little bit excited about my adventure next month. I’ve already started packing, believe it or not. I’ve got a new pair of ‘Hike’ boots to deal with some of the worst mountains in Wales – they’ve gone in the case. I also bought some hand cream.

I’ve already finished my mix tape (see below for the tunes), so I’m pretty much sorted. I’d like to take some sunglasses but I don’t think mum and dad are keen on that. They say the devil wears sunglasses! I don’t know about that.

People at work are trying their best to hide their disappointment at my impending departure trip by laughing and joking and saying “Never come back!” but I know that they will find the summer hard with me. Normally, I am the last one standing at their summer barbeques, even though I rarely drink. I’m also a dab hand at the SingStar computer on the Playstations.

The kids at school have shown great interest in my trip. I had a Year 10 theory class today and they just kept asking me questions about it. We didn’t get any bloody work done! One of the kids was even pointing his hand out like a gun and pointing it at me, as if to say “You are the man!” I felt like Richard Blackwood!

My first stop on the trip is Llangollen. It’s a fair old drive – maybe three hours or so – but the people are nice and friendly and they have some great service stations where I can eat my sandwiches and have a quick game of Solitaire. I might even see if I can bust a grave on one of those dancing machines the Japanese made. Hey, if I’m as good at that as I am at SingStar then I’ll never be a loser.

Enjoy your Wednesdays!