When I got home I opened my bedside drawer and there were four pork pies, waiting for me…
(This is a narrative device which we will come back to later. That tightening in your chest is ‘tension’.)
The fourth gigg on my stand-up comedy calendar of stand-up comedy had finally arrived. I say arrived, but what I really mean is that after a series of days, the day of my next gigg was upon us. I say upon us, I mean me. Well, someone’s gotta do it…
Ah the joys of being a stand-up comedian! No more waking up early and doing the 9 to 5 grind for The Man for me! I had a full day ahead of myself and I was going to make the most of it!
I woke up at five to eight in order to take the car in to Themans Garage, about twenty minutes drive away. I needed an MOT, and, when I got to the garage, I was told it wouldn’t be ready until 5pm. Fine, I thought, I’ll just use the time wisely and practice my comedy.
What do you think I did? Place your free bets online here!
Before long I was outside The Lovely Helen’s house knocking on her door. I figured she’d enjoy my surprise visit and we could enjoy a nice hot cup of tea, some cake (mmm) and a good old JOJ hug. After the 12th knock I noticed her bedroom curtains twitching. The Lovely Helen was obviously in her room, but was not answering the door even though she had seen me. I felt a terrible pain in my funny, funny soul… she was obviously trapped!
“HELLLLLLEEENNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!” I shouted, beating my chest and shaking my arms like a dog that has turned into a man and mimicked my actions.
“DON’T WORRY HELEN! I WILL SAVE YOU!”
I kicked open the front door and ran upstairs to her room. The door opened first time, which suggested to me that the whole episode was just an excuse to get me into her bedroom. Now, I may be a stand-up comedian but I will ALWAYS respect women. I know plenty of other comedians who will quite willingly sleep with females who actively pursue them but that is NOT FOR ME. No, no, no. I believe women should be worshipped from afar and befriended, with all mutual attraction disregarded. I’m a gent, damn it! Blazer and jeans before women and teens, that’s my motto! Of course, I will moan about this moral standpoint to my friends, but you know, when in Rome…
When The Lovely Helen proffered me a warm cup of tea, I had a feeling that she was maybe after something more. In fact, ever since I kicked down her door and barged into her room she was trembling like mad. With desire? Well, that’s not for me to say… (I think it was desire.)
In the interest of gentlemanly conduct, I turned down the offer of a cup of tea and instead sat in the kitchen while she showered and got changed. A strange thing then happened, as seemingly every male friend she has in the area suddenly turned up and sat near me. Wonderful, I thought, some new friends! And, if I play my cards right, I could get into Helen’s good books by impressing them!
Me and the lads had a great time, and a couple of them engaged in a bit of playfighting with me! At least that’s what I think happened, as before I knew it I woke up on the pavement outside the house with only 15 minutes to spare before I had to pick up my car. Perfect!
I grabbed the car after some great banter with the mechanic (“Is my car ready, mate?” “Yes.” “Cheers, mate. Bye!”) and headed back home to get into the comedy zone. I bounded into my room and grabbed my notes and comedy hat. This was going to be a great gigg!
Upon arrival at Borth-y-Gest Dogs Home I could sense that something marvellous chicken was about to happen. There were about 17 dog handlers sat waiting for some comedy gold, and some of them had brought some dogs with them. Hey, I’ve played to some woof audiences. Ooooh, a joke!
I do my usual pre-gig ritual by checking that the building did not break any health and safety rules: Four fire exits, sufficient extinguishers/blankets, clearly-marked emergency meeting points. The room was perfect for comedy!
Next it was time to speak to the promoter, a lovely man named Ken. Ken and I had a great natter about comedy, and then he told me in complete confidence about the problems he was having with his wife, namely that he felt he no longer loved her. I told him I understood completely, relating my problems from earlier in the day, and that I would keep his quandary secret.
The first act on that night was an act by the name of Pete Bath. He had some choice words for the scallies of this world, I’ll tell you! He also had a great bit about the differences between men and women, which I think lost a number of the dogs in the audiences. Still, any audience members lost were bound to have returned to him as he regaled us with an impression of the woman from the Marks & Spencers’ss advert. Imagine if she was advertising insurance!!!!
Then it was time for my gigg and I ripped it.
Unfortunately I couldn’t stay for the headline act as I was exhausted from ripping the gigg. I got back into my car and couldn’t wait to get home to my pet pig Benoink, who I’d just realised had been virtually ignored all day.
When I got home I opened my bedside drawer and there were four pork pies, waiting for me…
[...] John Owen Jones A Welshman's Blog « Fourth gigg [...]
[...] with since the day of my fourth gigg. I figured that maybe she was embarrassed after her attempt to seduce me. Still, I was flattered that the male friends of hers I met on that fateful day were keeping an eye [...]
[...] with The Lovely Helen. I hadn’t seen her (or at least she hasn’t seen me) since she tried it on with me in her room a while back, and I was very much looking forward to catching [...]
[...] My trusty pig from giggs past! I hadn’t seen him in so long. Blogg readers may recall how I left him under my bed one night and went to my fourth gigg, only to return and find him replaced by a packet of pork [...]